last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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