Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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