I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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