new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize