remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
