My room smells like vodka and shame
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
