She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
