Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
