It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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