I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
