Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
