I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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