I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
