she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
