i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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