Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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