my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
