im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
