why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
