Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize