What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
