Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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