Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
