i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
