Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't special order awesome
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
