Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
