you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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