i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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