I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All the doctor said was why
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
