She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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