you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
