Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
