im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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