This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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