We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize