ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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