Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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