U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
