Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
