it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How does it feel to date your dad?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
