hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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