I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
