We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
