I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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