And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
