I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Randomize
