it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's never too late to be topless.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
