i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
