Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
