that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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