i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Drunk is not a location!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
