Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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