I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
