We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
