definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
