Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize