Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
