I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
ok first of all what the fuck
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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