Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
