Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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