Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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