My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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