sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
