mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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