go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
