she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
