I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
