I wish life had little blips of pornography
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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