Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
